Falling and getting back up again

It happened. Last week I fell. Hard. Metaphorically speaking, some might say, I hit rock bottom. The week leading up to treatment I was feeling quite nervous and apprehensive; I was afraid chemo was going to be more difficult. Yet, despite my fear I tried to stay strong. Then last Monday evening – between day 1 & day 2 of treatment – I lost it. I sobbed and sobbed. Sitting in my puddle of tears I felt scared, alone, and incredibly vulnerable. I wanted it all to be over or different; I wanted something other than what was. And yet, while It felt uncomfortable, it was also necessary: sometimes we need to fall down, or feel raw to our core, in order to get back up again.

Undeniably sitting amidst sorrow and despair was difficult. In many ways it was a call for help. Yet in that moment, rather than receiving help from others, I needed to help myself. I had to muster up enough inner tenacity and courage to say to myself: “It’s ok. It’s ok to be sad and afraid. You are strong; you can do this. You are ok.” And since, with the support of professionals, friends, and family, I’ve also made a commitment to prioritize my own health and well-being. It is time for me to take care of me.

And so, while this round of chemo has been more physically challenging, I also feel a little bit lighter. For the first time in a long while, I’m exercising self-care, compassion, and love. Sometimes when we fall down, we need to get back up, yet we also need to gentle with ourselves to find the courage and strength to do so.

With grace,

Cheryl

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5 Comments

  1. Lianne Gravitis

    You keep going Cheryl! This blog was incredibly inspiring. You ARE strong and you ARE allowed to fall once in a while. You need to hit rock bottom to truly surrender and to see a different perspective. I’m so proud of you girl!!! Love and compassion for oneself is the key to a happy life, despite the circumstances. LOVE YOU!!!

    Reply
  2. Momma Sandy

    Oh my darling girl, I hate that you had to fall, and I, like so many who love you, want desperately to cushion the blow, pick you up, wrap you in cotton and make it all go away. But I know: 1. you are strong and brave. 2. You will not only get through but the journey will be part of the adventure. 3. You will ask when you need us. 4. LOVE travels and shows itself in many forms and you will feel the love around you and gain strength from it.
    Keep writing and keep being you.
    hugs
    Momma Sandy

    Reply
  3. Lynda Laushway

    I am thinking of you Cheryl and know that your grace and strength will take you through this journey. Lots of love to you. Lynda

    Reply
  4. Gwen

    You are incredible Cheryl, and it’s so hard to be able to ‘speak’ to the scared parts of ourselves when we are in the midst of moments of vulnerability like that one. I think you should be incredibly proud of yourself for that moment, and for everything else you’ve learned.

    One of my favourites from Ray Bradbury (of all people!) “Jump, and you will find out how to unfold your wings as you fall.”

    Reply
  5. Daniela

    I admire your ability to adequately and gracefully describe many experiences and emotions we experience during the journey of life with cancer. I also experienced this recently although only 8 months after my last chemo. You are so very wise. Always..thank you for sharing! Xoxo

    Reply

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