I’ve been doing some reading and self reflection lately, and I’ve come to three personal realizations:
- I tend to be pretty hard and critical of myself.
- I am relatively skilled at suppressing and/or not expressing my anger and “negative” emotions with others.
- I often feel guilty when I put my needs ahead of others.
While I realize these strategies have been beneficial in some ways (e.g. they have helped keep me “safe”), they too have affected my ability to be “selfish”, and my capacity to be compassionate, respectful, forgiving, and gentle with myself. And while I see the benefits, I also realize that this approach is no longer serving me well – in fact I think it may be one of the reasons why I have cancer. It is time for change; I’m ready to birth a new way of being.
Interestingly, before heading into an integrated healing session this morning I drew a card that said birth, and while in town at the bookstore I drew the same card again. And so as I returned home on the ferry this post emerged. It’s a relatively uncensored,raw depiction of where I am at, and what I’m seeking in my relationships with myself and others. I call it: birthing a new way of being.
I can’t take this way of being anymore.
I’m tired of pretending my feelings don’t matter,
Of being walked over and stepped on.
I’m putting my foot down.
I am done.
I want unconditional love and respect.
I want to be nurtured, supported, and inspired.
It’s not too much to ask for.
I am enough.
I’ve been hiding me for so long.
It’s not wrong to stand up or be selfish.
It’s okay to feel pain, sadness, and rage.
It’s time to strip away the cobwebs.
What do I need to be free?
I know it is within.
I am me.
Throughout our lives there are many lessons to learn, and through my journey with cancer these lessons are becoming more clear. I’m excited to put my trust in me and continue to explore all that life has in store. I trust all will be revealed when I am ready to see.
With grace and love,