Monday and Tuesday – my first two days of chemo – have come and gone, and I find myself waiting, curious to see what lies ahead and when “it” is going to hit.
Physically – aside from bouts of tiredness and nausea – I don’t feel much different, although mentally and emotionally, little feels the same. I find myself caught between what was and what is, reaching to do the usual – work, email, cooking, cleaning, walking etc. – while simultaneously trying to resist and do things differently. It’s as if I’m holding on and letting go all at the same time.
In the last couple days I have taken some small steps to change my habits or patterns: I no longer receive emails to my phone, I don’t set an alarm clock, I sleep when I’m tired, and I’ve set meditation and relaxation dates with myself. I’m also working on letting go of plans and lists, although given there are still some time sensitive items on my “to-do” list, this may take some time. In many ways this makes sense, and I would be concerned if the process of letting go and unravelling happened too quickly, because it is, and has been, a part of me.
I see this process of unravelling as an important part of my treatment and healing, and I’m excited (and let’s be honest, a wee bit scared) to allow it to unfurl and unfold. Over the next several weeks and months I want to spend some more time with myself; to reflect, question, and be. I want to try new things, rediscover my desires and passions, and challenge myself to prioritize “me” first without feeling guilty and ashamed. I want to create space for the true me to emerge.
Yet for now I find myself in the in-between. I’m neither here nor there; holding on and letting go; in the moment.